by Sonny Carroll
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the
midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and
somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH! Enough
fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.
And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs
begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears
and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world
through new eyes.
This is your awakening. You realize that it’s time to stop hoping
and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and
security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms
with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not
Cinderella (nor are you Superman and she is Lois Lane) and that in the
real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for
that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin
with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not
everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you
are … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and
opinions.) You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or
mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you
and that it’s not always about you.
And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how
you should behave; how you should look and how much you should weigh;
what you should wear and where you should shop; and what you should
drive how and where you should live; and what you should do for a
living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you
should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising
children; or what you owe your parents.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there
is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop
maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the
outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together
the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you
don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that
you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt
and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and
learning to say NO.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry
and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love.
Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in
love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to
project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn
that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or
important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you
would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and
outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with
love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on
your terms… just to make you happy.
And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely… And you look in
the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a
size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image
inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.”
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with
love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less.
And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify
you with his touch … and in the process you internalize the meaning
of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple.
And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin
eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to
You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt
and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the
body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to
play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you
believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and
that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward
making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve
success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also
learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking
for help. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it
living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t
always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that
sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.
On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn
that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s
just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most
primal state-the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger,
envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will
suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds
you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges
instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple
things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the
earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water,
a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take
responsibility for yourself by yourself and to make yourself a promise
to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your
And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to
the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting,
and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage
in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a
deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best
as you can.